Ask Alana

By The MegaTeam

"Alana-being is all heart. If you feel the part of your nature that has the willingness to hold love, you will find your heart."

Using the information that can be gathered from Alana's website , Alana is some kind of meta-being composed of the collective conscience of humanity. We can speak to Alana through a woman named Sandy. No, really.

Displaying my unmatchable intellect, I decided to match wits with this being.

Question 1:

JB3:Many of Alana's answers contain references to "vibration." Can Alana tell me how this vibration can best be measured or observed?
Alana: Intuitively and through felt senses is one way.
MoJo: That's two ways.
JB3: I can already see the type of mumbo-jumbo this is going to degrade into. I'm not even sure why I expected precise answers from one of these Age of Aquarius types.
MoJo: Heh, you didn't. You just expected answers that would be fun to ridicule.
JB3: That, too.

Question 2:

JB3:Where does Alana come from?
Alana: She is the collective energy of heart
JB3: Oh.

Question 3:

JB3:Some of Alana's answers claim that dead people can hear my thoughts. Does this apply to all dead people, or just the ones I don't mind reading my thoughts?
Alana: Who you are thinking about if they happen to be thinking of you
Felix: I wonder if dead people can hear the thoughts of an artificial intelligence like me.
JB3: If they have to be thinking of you, then how do you talk to people who were dead before you were born?
Felix: Maybe you can't.
JB3: Somehow it's always like that. Channelers never tell us anything we didn't already know. For example, why can't we get ahold of Fermat and ask him to show us his "proof" for the Last Theorem? Why can't we ask Amelia Earhart where her plane is?
MoJo: Why can't we ask Abraham Lincoln where he got that awesome hat?
Felix: It was made by George Hall of Springfield, Illinois
MoJo: Shut up, Felix.

Question 4:

JB3:In Alana's reincarnation section, Alana says it's possible to use talents I've had in past lives. If I was a pilot in a past life, does that mean I can fly planes, because that would be cool.
Alana: Not necessarily, but it may mean that you might enjoy learning about planes this life or be fascinated by them.
MoJo: If that's true, then how did I learn to speak German?
Felix: That's not German, it's just a bunch of random words you saw on Das Boot and Indiana Jones.
MoJo: Alarmieren Sie Tiefe Jones nach links, was vier Tiefe Stunden!

Question 5:

JB3:Alana's advice on how to embrace one's collective consciousness includes the words, "Imagine yourself as a multi-dimensional being..." By this is Alana implying that people normally exist only in one dimension?
Alana: She is implying that if you open up your senses, you may be able to sense your existence beyond the physical
JB3: I don't see the relationship between multi-dimensional objects and "opening up" my senses.
Felix: Maybe she's talking about projective geometry.
JB3: You mean, where an object is mapped mathematically onto a higher-dimensional space?
Felix: Yeah.
JB3: That's probably it.

Question 6:

JB3:What can Alana tell me about me from my name, Jeffton Bopeton III?
Alana: We would have to do a session with her.
MoJo: Just four easy payments of $49.95!

Question 7:

JB3:What is my purpose in life?
Alana: Probably to bring about clarity into the world, and share possibility with others
JB3: That's the sanest thing in the entire interview.
MoJo: It's cool, too: "to bring about clarity into the world."
Felix: It is ironic that she has sensed the purpose of your interview even though you've spent all this effort to make fun of her. Doesn't that make you feel bad?
JB3: Not really, and I'll explain why a little later.

Question 8:

JB3:Please explain how one goes about channeling.
Alana: You may want to read this to get Alana's answer:
JB3: I did look there. That's why I asked.
Felix: Now explain why you're so mean to Alana/Sandy, even though she has slipped in a clear tribute to your quest for clarity.
JB3: Simple. Felix, display the closing of her Email to me.

Felix Display Unit:
Best wishes with your Ezine article!


Sandy Breckenridge
HeartCore Corporation
Kauai, Hawaii - "Learn to trust your heart." - Numerology Readings - Affirmation Jewelry

JB3: So you can see that she's not just a sad, lonely woman doing her best to help the world follow its heart. She has not one, but three websites dedicated to selling this stuff. Not only that, but she has attached a corporate name to her beliefs.
MoJo: Have you looked at this "Affirmation Jewelry"?
JB3: No, why?
MoJo: If she can get away with charging $30 for that stuff, maybe you're in the wrong business.
JB3: Interesting. Felix, put this on my To Do List: "Consider adding Affirmation Jewelry division to evil empire." Then, go ahead and file this interview in the Archives of Insanity.

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