The Immortality Device
(and Other Insanity)
Alex Chiu is the inventor of immortality. That's right. Anybody can live forever just by purchasing and using one of Alex's devices. How does it work? It's quite simple-- just put some magnets real close to your skin.
Skeptical? Have a look at his site, and all your questions will be answered.
Or not. The following interview contains just a few of the questions I had that weren't answered by the site. I Emailed these to Alex, and gave him several weeks to respond. However, he must be very busy with his experiments and he did not respond.
: I guess Alex Chiu didn't have time to answer my interview.
: Look at the warning on his site about Emailing him. He probably just deleted it.
: Obviously. Felix, study the Chiu pages and emulate his personality and writing style.
: Roger. Processing...
: So you're just going to have Felix pretend to be Chiu?
: Yep. Hopefully he can be insane enough for us to get some decent answers.
: Processing Complete. Felix Chiu version 1.0 online.
: Alright, here we go.
JB3: Since the earth is an enormous magnet, what is the difference in the
health of a person in the Southern hemisphere and Northern hemisphere?
FC: Earth magnetic field has no effect on health since magnetic field is polarized with ground. Health of a person stays the same when travel from north to south, or south to north, but changes when a person travels away from earth, as in a space shuttle. Earth has same frequency as people and other animals on the earth. Everything has a frequency. When the frequency of energies match, the energy is positive.
: Riiiight.
: He's doing a pretty good job of souding insane, at least.
: The funniest part about Alex Chiu is that he uses words he doesn't even know the definition of.
: Like "Frequency"?
: Yeah, look at any part of his section on curing AIDS for proof of that one.
: I also like his explanation of cell phones.
: And teleportation. After all, "Teleportation must be invented. If we don't invent teleportation, China will throw nuclear bomb everywhere. Especially now everyone can live forever."
: Too bad it's "Not yet built or tested."
: I wonder why.
JB3: What is the effect of telephones and speakers on human health? Most
speakers contain very powerful magnets. What about headphones?
FC: Telephones and speakers usually don't affect health because they are only on one side of person. Headphones with the correct polarity will help feel better if left on long enough, but will make you sick if the polarity is wrong. I am currently developing special headphones that will not make you sick. They will cost only $50, but that is a small price to pay for health.
: I wonder if he's even considered actually trying to see if his immortality rings work. Testemonials are generally useless as evidence, for several reasons. First of all, the placebo effect shows that people who think they are being treated will report improvement dutifully. Secondly, Even if Alex has recieved hundreds of negative testimonials, I doubt he will post them.
: It wouldn't even be hard to test-- all he'd have to do is take a bunch of the rings and reverse the polarity in half of them without telling the patients. Then give them out to terminally ill patients in hospitals and see how many of them live forever, and if the reversed polarity has any effect on the statisitics.
: What? You mean do real science?
: Is that too much to ask from a man who puts himself in the same category as Tesla, Edison, and Einstein?
JB3: On the "How Cells Are Formed" page under the NEW DARWINISM Link, the
very first diagram (above) is unlabeled. In consists of many multi-colored circles
connected by dark blue sticks. Could you explain what this diagram
represents, and what the circles and sticks represent?
: Uhh... Umm...
: What's wrong, Felix?
: I can't figure out what the diagram is supposed to be.
: Not even using the Alex Chiu emulation?
: It's not powerful enough to interpret unlabeled diagrams.
: Don't worry, Felix. Joe and I are going to be immortal from now on anyway. We have forever to figure it out.
: I think it looks kinda like particles forming a cell. Maybe.
JB3: Since animal cells are magnetic, then why don't powerful magnets stick
to my skin?
FC: Very simple. Since your whole body is neutral, all the magnetism is cancelled out by other cells. Otherwise fork would stick to your hand when you try to eat. Do not be silly.
: Duh, isn't it obvious?
: If each individual part is magnetically neutral, then how do people walk? (see next question)
: One time a fork stuck to my hand.
: Really?
: Yeah, but I think it had to do with the fact that somebody had slipped me a lot of acid.
: I see...
: I still wasn't fucked up enough to try making living cells from a pan of ginseng, though.
Please wait for picture to move.
JB3: I see that your diagram (above) shows how legs are propelled into motion because
they have like magnetic charges. However, how do the legs get back together
for the next stride? I've seen my cat lie down with his legs together
before. How does he do it?
: I can't do this.
: That's ok, we can make fun of it anyway. For example, how does an animal decide when to stop walking?
: How does it lie still when it goes to sleep?
: How does it walk backwards?
: How does it prevent forks from sticking to it?
: How does it prevent other animals from sticking to it?
: What about opposable thumbs and prehensile tails?
: We could probably go on all night. Let's move onto the next question.
Above left: Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation. Above right: Chiu's Law of Crack Baby. (Please wait for picture to move.)
JB3: Your theory about why Earth has gravity (found in the SPACE STATION
section) is interesting. How does it fit in with Newton's law of Universal
Gravitation?
FC: Many brilliant men in history were laughed at, but they were proved to be correct. Old Laws like Newtons law have been shown to be wrong sometimes.
: Yeah, except that Newton's Law of Gravitation is right, at least as far as it goes. We all know, of course, that it is really just an approximation which was later defined more accurately by Einstein. Still, it is used with great success to plot satellite orbits, artillery trajectories, and spacecraft routes. There is something to support it that I like to call "evidence."
: But he does have evidence. Can't you see the diagram? You didn't wait for it to move, did you?
JB3: Your resurrection theory says that a corpse might be revived if it is
placed in a tank of nutrient-rich water and the water is supplied with
alternating current. What is the difference between this and dropping an
appliance into the bathtub while it's plugged in? I'm curious as to how you
plan to use this phenomenon to revive people-- please elaborate.
FC: I already explained that. The electcity will cause chemical bondage in the cells and the cells will become flexible again. The person will live again.
: Somehow, I still don't get it. If this process brings you back to life, why does getting electrocuted in the bathtub kill you? He didn't explain that yet.
: "If the dead person died because someone shot him in the heart, we must replace the heart before we revive him." But... "The memory will still return even if the corpus had it's brain removed." How do we know which organs it's okay to leave out, and which ones need to be put back in?
: How will the memory return with the brain out anyway?
: Frequency.
JB3: Your AC magnetic coil that you say can cure scars and deformities (Found
in the CURE THE HANDICAPS section) is similar to AC/DC power converters
found inside computers and included with many other electronic devices. Can
these be used to eliminate scars? If so, how long should the process take?
FC: I don't know, since I have not tried this. When my experiments are complete, I will tell you how it went.
: I can't wait.
: YOU WAIT!! YOU WAIT AND SEE!!
: Ahh! Felix, what the hell are you doing?
: FREQUENCY!!! FREEEEQUENCYYYY!!!! I SHOW YOU! I SHOW YOU THE FREQUENCY!!!!
: Felix! End program! Ahh!
: MUST... INVENT... TELEPORTATION!!!
JB3: Your philosophy sections make it clear that all you want to do is help
people. Is there anything else you'd like to say about your theories and
products in general, and is there anything you'd like to say to those people
who won't believe you?
: Whoa, finally got Felix under control.
: Yeah, he's sleeping for now. I guess Alex's insane theories were too much for his logic programs.
: Oh well, we'll just end the interview with a whole bunch of insane quotes and observations from Alex's website.
1. "Who can come up with a better health device than my Immortality Device? I owe that person 1 million dollars. Print out this page for proof."
: Ok, I printed it out.
: You thought of a better machine?
: Yes, I call it "I.V. of 100% nutrient dilution with attached respirator and cardiac life support device."
: Like they use in Intensive Care?
: Yeah just like that. Now lets go to a hospital and try his device against mine.
2. "That's the time [after WWIII] we should incorporate the countries which participated in world war 3. Consolidate the strongest countries like USA, China, Russia, and Japan into one corporation. These countries can no longer declare war against each other. Another word, these nations become one single country, the corporation of the world."
: Great plan, Chiu. "Unify all the countries by unifying all the countries."
: The picture above this quote is great, though:
: Nice hat, China.
: "With this hat, I can be nearly as tall as USA."
: Another word, big fucking hat.
3. Read Alex Chiu's comic about living forever, starring: Alex Chiu, as himself.
: That's almost as cool as the one with a little Star Destroyer saying "Luke I am your father"
: Or the one with him exposing a false prophet. Hey, it looks like Felix is back on line.
: What happened, and why do I have the urge to say, "UFOs usually land on crop fields so that the aliens can steal crops for food?"
: Don't worry about it. You probably don't want to know anyway.
: Joe, do you have the memory cells we extracted from Felix covering the past few minutes?
: Got them right here.
: Good. File them in the Archives of Insanity. Case closed.
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